The Bearded Lady and Other Freaks--Scenes From My Life

So as most of you know, I am a convenience store clerk. And no, that's not me over there in the picture, but lets be honest, he sums up my life. So that's metaphorically me okay? Anyway, we see some really weird people sometimes. I've written about them before. But I've got new stories now because I've been working there longer. I will commence to explain what I deal with on a daily basis now that I've come to know the 'regulars'.

First we have the person I shall call the Bearded Lady.

Now who am I to judge people for having unwanted facial hair? Except this hair is apparently wanted and a fashion statement. She not only possesses a lady beard, she braids it. And just imagine this person -------> with a baseball hat and tattoos everywhere with a braided lady beard. She's apparently bad news. I wouldn't know since she's always been nice to me, however she was responsible for one person quitting, and decided to bring out her stun gun to threaten another clerk who works graveyard.

For this offense, she was officially banned from the store. It was my job to hand her a letter stating the fact that they had her on camera with the stun gun and she was to leave immediately or I'd call 911. Did I wanna hand over that letter? Oh fuck no. She actually liked me. I wasn't going to be the bearer of bad tidings. She knows my car. She's seen me in it. I could just imagine her breaking all my windows or keying it or something. Or else just jumping me and killing me. And this is what her bestie looks like that's always with her.

And I know for a fact she just got out of prison. Not jail, but fucking prison. I don't know what she did, but I probably don't wanna know. And yet they tell me to face off bearded lady and skinhead chick. No. Just no. I basically refused to deliver the letter. Someone else had to do it. So luckily the next day when I got to work, the letter was gone. Aha! Someone else was the bearer of that bad news. I hope they don't come back. I really don't wanna call the police. And so often I'm alone there that I wouldn't know what to do. I don't get hazard pay.

Then there is another guy. Now he hasn't been banned (yet), but he shows up drunk and buys more beer. I can't sell beer to an already drunk person, so I've had to turn him down. Then he just manages to get someone else to buy it for him. And he hangs out at the store getting drunk in the bathroom or somewhere else I can't see him, and then he slurs his words and breathes on me and actually paid for gas, didn't pump it, locked his keys in the truck and locked his phone in there too. So he was stranded on pump number one for at least six hours. My shift ended and his fucking truck was still there. I was actually relieved because he shouldn't have been driving and I almost called the cops on him. He would have killed someone. But why do people want to hang out and get drunk at the store?? Why not go home, for fucks sake. It's safer and legal to do that!

But what do you do with someone like that? You can't stop them from coming in, even if you can stop selling to them. But why must my store be a hang out for losers? This one woman used to buy beer and sit in her car for hours in the parking lot. Why?? Is your home life that bad you'd rather be at the mini mart? I can think of better places to drink. Like a bar? I don't see any fucking bar stools outside our place. Go away people!

Then there is another gem of society I like to call them Creepers. It's the old men who insists on flirting with you and calling you 'babydoll' or 'darling' and you want to puke and disinfect yourself after they leave. This one guy walks in every night and says,

"Hello Cutie!" And he proceeds to grab a straw and a huge can of beer and come to the register to flirt. He drinks his beer with a STRAW! Seriously. WTF? But then he tells me all about how he'd rather enjoy drinking with me, etc. Yuck. No thanks. I'd rather not. But I'm sure he's harmless. This other dude on the other hand is a little more overt and expects you to know exactly what he wants to buy without him telling you (Swisher Sweets in case you're wondering) and he lingers too long, talks too much, and flirts like he thinks we're really flattered by his attentions. I've never been called baby or sweetie or doll face so many times in my life. These guys will stay in the store for hours if you let them. They need girlfriends their own age. Or something. Anything. Just go away.

Then we have my favorites, because they're harmless and non scary. But you gotta give an honorable mention to the hipsters. Man-buns, beards, tattoos, flannel, and glasses. And they ALWAYS want a pack of American Spirits.  It's to the point where when they walk in I'm like, "American Spirits?" and

they get all surprised like, "Wow, she's psychic!" when really they're just predictable and like spending extra money for 'organic' cigarettes that will still kill you just the same as the regular ones, but at least you can say you tried to be healthier and better for the environment. Or whatever the reason is. I just know they love those cigarettes. 

But credit to the cute hipster who comes in often and shirks tradition and buys Marlboro Smooth Menthols. Of course he asked for my opinion on what to buy and I suggested those. Props for listening to me and going against the grain, cute hipster dude who always asks me what time I get off work. 

So anyway, slice of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly (and the cute guy thrown in for good measure). Want my job? We're hiring! Until next time.... 

Shower Thoughts--Part Two

I did a post awhile back called 'shower thoughts' and I thought it'd be fun to do it again. These are some random things that go through my mind not just in the shower but whenever. But we'll just call them shower thoughts.



Did you ever stop to think that taking a bath is disgusting? You're sitting in a warm pool of your own dirt and grime. Why do people like that? Why is it relaxing? It's really just gross.

I often wonder why people smoke tobacco and marijuana. Who the hell decided these were smokable, and also why would they ever try it at all? How many things did they light on fire and inhale before someone said, "you know, this is good." It's SO weird. Someone had to smoke a lot of lame stuff before they found out pot makes you high and nicotine is just plain addictive and nice to smoke. I wanna know what else they tried and why??

I wonder why people drink cows milk. Milk by nature is nourishment for babies. That's it. Adult cows don't drink milk from their mothers. Just like adult humans do not drink milk from their mothers. So why do we drink this?? And why do we drink another species milk? It's honestly kind of gross to think of, because you wouldn't drink some chicks breast milk on your Fruity Pebbles, but we'll squeeze a cow tit and pour that all over our cereal.

Does anyone really ever pay attention to serving sizes on packages of chips or crackers, etc? They say to eat like five chips and be done. Who does that? It's more like 50 chips and then the bag is empty. Why not just tell us how many calories are in the whole bag? I don't want to do math and count chips. That's too stressful. Just give me the low down. I know it's more than I'd ever want to know, but tell me anyway.

Why do people tell you not to go out in cold weather because you'll get sick? This is a lie. Weather doesn't make you sick. Germs do. And germs breed in heat. So basically you're safer outside in the snow in a bikini than you are inside a hot house with people coughing up germs everywhere like in an incubator. Cold weather does not make you sick. Unless you catch hypothermia...but we're talking about colds and flu. You can't catch that from being outside in the cold. Deal with it. You're gonna get sick anyway no matter what you do. Wash your hands instead.

Lots and lots of mushrooms are deadly to eat. So who ever kept eating them until they found some that didn't kill you? Like way back when, who the hell would keep eating these things when everyone kept dying from them. What made them think any of them were safe to eat? I know that nowadays people have books and shit to tell you which ones are okay, but back in the dark ages, who wanted to eat a fucking mushroom so bad they risked death?

Why is water in the ocean appear blue when water is actually clear? A glass of water is clear, but an ocean of water is blue. Why is it blue??

And that is all for today. I'm sure I've had many other thoughts, but that's just a few. Hope I made you think!

The picture questionnaire!

This is a questionnaire thingy I found where you post a picture as your answer and you don't use words. I thought it'd be fun, so here we go!

What picture best describes your mood right now? 

What picture best describes the kind of day you had?

What picture best describes your feelings of the opposite sex?

What picture describes your personality the best?

What picture best describes how you feel about your friends?

What picture best describes how you feel about your pets?

What picture describes how you feel about your life right now?

What picture describes your worst habit?

What picture describes what you consider a good date?

What picture describes your idea of a terrible date?

What pictures describes where you'd like to be right now?

What picture describes where you want to be in ten years?

Secret Cat Diary....

Secret Cat Diary

Day 752- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

Day 761- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed...(again)

Day 762- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I was capable of, and to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan....

Day 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo'. What sick minds would invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

Day 771- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed into solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tube they call 'beer'. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of 'allergies'. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage...

Day 774- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It's only a matter of time...

(I don't know who originally wrote this, but I found it in my old papers and typed it up. It's hilarious!)

Everybody is Free to Go Tanning...a Parody

This is my parody of an old song that was made out of a fake commencement speech someone wrote up in a paper way back when. I just thought it'd be funny to re-do it with my own thoughts. It's taken from Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen

My little writing is just the opposite. It's entitled, Everybody's Free To Go Tanning. And no, I don't actually tan. But enjoy the silliness!




Everybody Is Free To Go Tanning

Ladies and Gentlemen, go tanning.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, tanning would be it. The long term benefits of tanning have been proven by tanning salons all across America. Fresh bulbs, cool beds, No waiting. Public nudity. This has been proven by trained tanologists at the Artificial Tanning Institute, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more accurate than my own random thoughts.

I will give you this advice now.

Enjoy being young. Look at old people every once in awhile and realize that once, they too wore bell bottoms and thought they looked cool. In twenty years, you'll look back at pictures of yourself, and shriek with horror. Yes, you did wear those skinny jeans with those Converse. And who thought it was the height of fashion for guys to shave their heads? You'll look back at yourself, and think you were a P.O.W.

Yes, you are probably as fat as you imagine. Get away from the television, the computer, or your video game every once in awhile and move. Walk. Run. Roll down a freeway embankment, and dodge big trucks at the bottom of the hill. Adrenaline is good for you. Stop ordering a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Diet Coke. Order a salad, with a regular Coke once in awhile. It's not brain surgery.

Conversely, stop looking at 90 pound celebrities with big heads as your physical ideal. Find a happy medium. You'll never meet your fantasy of perfection. Deal with that, and be happy.

Worrying about the future is about as effective as trying to program a computer by chewing Altoids and drinking a Latte. The real troubles in your life aren't the kind you can prepare for, or dream up as an income tax deduction. They're the kind that happen when you look in your rear view mirror, and see flashing red lights when you know you only had 12 beers or so. Why is he stopping you? Were you swerving? When did you get that mailbox hood ornament?

Floss. Floss until your gums say, "Dammit stop flossing!"

Dance. Even if you look like a complete spastic, and people point and stare. Stop in the middle of Wal-Mart and dance the funky chicken or something. They do that stuff on Glee and nobody laughs at them. Even if they arrest you for creating a public nuisance, break into a slow waltz with the arresting officer. He just might be the artsy type.

Sing. Sing loud, and sing often. Just don't sing country western songs and wear a cowboy hat. One Garth Brooks concert in your life is enough. Move on. He's not that great.

Drink milk. Well, unless you're lactose intolerant.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. If this happens, put their address on Craigslist with their phone number under the "illicit encounters" heading. Revenge, while childish, can be fun. Call the local chapter of Jehovah's Witnesses and tell whoever answers the phone you know someone who wants to convert and will put up a fuss, but go to their house anyway. Tell them not to take no for an answer.

Don't waste time with jealousy. Remember that scene in Fatal Attraction where the wife found the pet rabbit boiling in the soup kettle? It's okay to be jealous, but don't boil anyone's pet. That can be dangerous with large dogs. Instead have someone drive your car by their house while you press your bare ass against the window. They'll get the idea. And if they don't, you've ruined their appetite forever. Revel in that.

Floss some more. Don't inspect your Kleenex after you blow your nose. You'll never find anything of value.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. You can live at home until you're at least 40, and after that, there's always welfare.

Be kind to your knees. You never know when you'll have to get down on them and beg your parents for money.

Maybe you'll marry? Maybe you won't. You'll probably be gay, so warm up to that possibility now.

Maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont? If you do, don't count on them being grateful for all you've sacrificed for them, until you are dead.

Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the Macarena at your 75th birthday with your 35 year old trophy wife?

Enjoy your body. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you buy cosmetics you don't need. No amount of mascara that combs your eyelashes until they are ten feet long, will improve on your basic looks, if you think you're ugly. All people are inherently beautiful in a variety of different ways. Don't be afraid to be unique, just don't let it cross a line into really fucking weird.

Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they might stop over unannounced while you're having a wild drunken sex orgy, carrying a pot of leftovers.

Be nice to your siblings. You never know when you might need a kidney.

Understand that friends come and go, but if any of them ever screw you over, you're within your rights to set their car on fire and Fed Ex their cat to China.

Travel.

Live in New York city once, but leave before someone carves your lungs out with a pencil sharpener.

Live in California once, but leave before you become stupid and become an organic vegan farmer.

Split the difference, and live in Indiana.

Someday you'll look back and think that your youth was spent in far more gracious times than what you'll be living in. Get real. Remember, you came from a time when the President had to admit to the world that he got a hummer in the Oval Office over a pizza and a cigar.

Respect your elders, but know you can make fun of them behind their backs, and they won't hear a word you say.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Wait. I forgot. You went to college and majored in English Literature. Get used to being supported by whatever public agency or relative you can find.

Learn to use your hands. The world, in spite of what you might think, does not operate with the push of a button. Get dirty once in awhile.

Be careful of whose advice you follow. Never trust anyone with a speech impediment. There is too much room for misunderstanding.

Remember that advice, when given unsolicited, is usually worth exactly what you paid for it. However, there is nothing wrong with learning from someone else's mistakes.

Don't turn into one of those people who blames everything bad in their life on someone else. Your choices are half chance, half dumbass luck, and half fate. Yeah, I know, that adds up to 150. Life doesn't always work out perfectly.

But trust me on the tanning. Most people just look better with a pre-melanoma glow.

Bored Now...The Misadventure Called My Life

So I met this dude online who specifically liked me because we both were Harry Potter dorks. He knew just as much as me, and we spent A LOT of time talking about it and analyzing it, and all the things fan dorks do. I wasn't interested in him for anything other than a friend, and I made that clear. But I thought maybe if he was cool enough in person, you never know?

So last night I was up super, super late talking to him via text. We thought of meeting today for a coffee, but I got the crazy idea to meet at a gas station by my house and get a milkshake at 3:30am, then we'd go someplace and watch the sunrise, as we giggled and laughed and dorked out talking about our favorite nerdy subject. In my head, it was an adventure! Something totally crazy and out of the blue and spur of the moment. I tend to get this way sometimes. It's just me. And after a little bit of coaxing, he agreed since he lives real close by. So the plan was to get the milkshakes and then go find a place to park and watch the sunrise.

By 4:10 am, I was at the gas station waiting and he pulled up about a minute later. I get out, we greeted each other, and then I asked, "So you wanna get those milkshakes?" Then he says, "Nah, I don't have any money." What? THAT was our entire plan. The fucking milkshakes. And he has no money? Whatever. Scratch that dream. So we're drinkless, and I suggest he follow me to the school parking lot because it's a pretty decent place to park. We go there, I get out of my car and ask if he wants to get out of his and sit on the curb, and he's like, "Nah, I'm comfy."  So I get into his car, and keep in mind, he's not scary or creepy, so I wasn't worried or anything. But I get in the car and he's listening to a Blue October song. That's my FAVORITE band. I get excited and am like, "OMG, I love Blue October!" To which, he tells me, "Oh, yeah, I don't know. This is my roommates playlist." Strike three. He didn't really even know the band.

So I try to make conversation like we did via text and he's just not down with it. Instead he wants to tell me ALL about his job at Wal-Mart. Now these aren't funny stories like, "One time a customer came in and bought one piece of cheese," Like my work stories. These are stories like, "Yeah, this is what I do and this what I'm in charge of and this how I do it," etc. Do I really care?? He works at WAL-MART not for the fucking FBI! It's not interesting! This was me right about the 35 minute mark of the one sided conversation that would never, ever end because he never stopped talking long enough for me to say anything!

I had no choice but to just sit there and listen. And listen. And listen. I kept yawning and checking the time on my phone. And every time I thought he'd shut up and I could speak, I'd open my mouth, and he'd start talking again. It was one of the most boring experiences of my life. I was better off just going to bed. This was neither wild nor crazy nor fun nor adventurous. I felt like I was trapped in a stuffy car with Bubba from Forrest Gump, listing off all the different types of shrimp dishes he could make. Only I have slightly more interest in shrimp than I do in Wal-Mart business. But it was stuffy in the car so I asked if he could roll my window down. So he cracked it a bit, which wasn't enough. Then kept on talking. FOREVER. I finally said I needed a cigarette and should probably go outside and/or leave, but he's like, "Nah, it's fine. I'll just roll the window down more for you."

Escape thwarted. So I sat and listened as the subject FINALLY changed, but this time it changed to his entire family tree, their names, ages, where they lived, who they lived with, how many kids they had, and who was alive and who had died and who was getting divorced and who was pregnant. He had the biggest fucking family I'd ever heard of except the Weasley's. But no one in his family was in Romania training Dragons or a Curse Breaker for Gringotts Bank. This was all very, very dull. I was beginning to look like this in the car seat next to him:

Yet Mr. Energizer Boring kept talking without even breathing. It was something to behold. And then finally at 5:30am he paused slightly and I was like, "Wow, it's 5:30am and the sun is rising and Starbucks just opened. I'm gonna go get some coffee and leave now." He was just like, "Oh, okay." And I think he could tell I was annoyed and bored. I didn't even look at him as I exited the car and mumbled, "Nice to finally meet you," and then slammed the door and got back in my car and drove off. My god, that was painful. And I've not heard a word from him since, and I'm certainly not texting him. He probably thinks I was the boring one because I barely said three words, but it was only because he never gave me a chance to speak!!

Why can't I meet any friends who like the same stuff I do and who aren't totally boring or weird or liars or freaks or only 13 years old??? Am I looking for a unicorn? Does a decent normal person of any gender not exist in this town? Or in the world? And why are some people SO funny and cool online and then in person they're complete duds? It's like spending $15 on an awesome firework that just catches on fire and tips over and doesn't even have a fountain of sparks. It's a dud. A waste of time. A huge letdown. BIG overture, LITTLE show. Blah.

Welcome to my life. Maybe someday I'll find a person who doesn't bore me to tears. Doesn't anyone like to have fun? I'm not holding my breath.

My last set of funny or misprinted Ads...

I love wine, but I'm pretty picky about what I'll drink. It has to be red and it has to be cheap. See, I'm not a connoisseur but a wino, so obviously I don't know what a good wine is supposed to taste like. But let me just say, my $5 bottles of Cabernet do not taste like cat pee. Maybe that's supposed to be a good thing? But I'll still to my cheap stuff without essence of cat piss, thank you.

I don't know how well you can read this, but it's congratulating this man for pleasing 15 women for an entire day! "we were all exhausted and very satisfied..." Uh, wow, George Brownbridge is a machine! Wait, they printed an apology retraction. He just took them shopping. Well I don't know about you, but I'd rather go shopping anyway.

 Mmmm, yummy. Beef round thing slices! Who doesn't love those? They have no idea what the hell they are, but they're fairly certain they're made of beef. But I'm not sure I can trust that something called 'thing slices' are a food I'd wanna try...

Another yummy! Eat kids free! But only on Monday's. That's when they get the new shipment of kindergartners in. Bring a knife and fork! I wonder if this is what the 'thing slices' are made of?

Arnie is pretty intimidating. If he was standing in a window watching me for hours and hours, I'd be worried too. If he wasn't made of freaking cardboard! Talk about the laugh the police must have gotten when they went to talk to the perp only to find out it was made of cardboard...

What is with all these places and things offering Mammograms?? This is at least the third ad I've posted that mentions them. Now you can get your boobs checked while you pump gas and buy a Slushie? That's a full service station!

 Doesn't this just make you wanna run out and work at Subway? My dreams are already crushed, thank you very much. I don't need a job that makes me wanna jump off a bridge!

I would really like to know how freaking BIG this burrito was, and what exactly it was made of, to be mistaken for a newborn baby. I mean, huh? How? Was the person reporting this travesty legally blind or forgot their Coke bottle glasses that day? Chipotle has some big ass burritos, but they aren't as big as a baby. Plus they don't have faces and shit either. WTF? Bet the cops were super relieved but also annoyed like, "Are you even fucking serious?" when they saw the burrito.

Here's a wonderful ad for a lovely china cabinet. It has some cat scratches, but don't worry, the cat has been killed for it's crimes. And you know when you kill a cat, any scratches it made on something totally disappear. That's the magic of cats. Ugh. Some people. Poor kitty. He can keep the stupid cabinet!

I'm so glad I found this ad. My collection of old people was really small and this guy is selling the whole lot of them! I can't wait to see all those grandmas and grandpas sitting on my shelves....

 Please come to the Cook County Forest Preserve and bring the family to commune with nature. Just watch out for the occasional corpse lying around. You can always just scoot that to the side and lay out your picnic, right?

I wouldn't doubt it. Don't all men? But doesn't he have a horde of bimbos playing with them for him?





That's all folks! I'm outta Ads. I  hope you got a good laugh.

Latest Installment of Funny Ads for Your Pleasure

I love cats, but something about this picture tells me "Lilly" might not be so good with kids or adults or humankind. I'm fairly certain she wants us all dead.

This sounds like a fun family day out! A watermelon and pet eating contest! I hope no one invites Lilly from above, because I think she'll be the one doing the eating!

Don't panic anyone. Chicken at large! May be armed and carrying a knife. It could be a Foster Farms chicken, so be very cautious.

Finally a house I could probably afford! It's a 'fixer upper', but who can't work wonders with a pile of old sticks lying in a forest? It is very rustic, that's for sure. I'm fairly certain the castaways on Survivor have built better 'homes' than this pile of shit.

Apparently a lot of people feel much more comfortable driving with hermaphrodites or something than they do male or female drivers. Who knew?

No shit, the seller is very motivated to sell this piece of kindling! It definitely won't last long, and in fact, is probably already a pile of ashes. But it is a lovely house. Just be careful of the torrential firestorm in the background.

What a lovely homeless shelter. Plenty of room for people to stay and sleep, as long as they don't lay down. Who doesn't mind standing up to sleep? It's better than the street right? No, not really. At least you can lay down in an alley!

Burger Kind and McDonald's have something common. The secret ingredient to their success is adding people to the burgers! I'm never eating fast food again.

This is a bit hard to read at this sizing, but the caption says at the bottom, "Cereal pieces do not fly without assistance." Really? This isn't magic cereal? I have to break out my Harry Potter wand to make it fly? Rip off.

Mmm, yummy! Butchered peasants! Taste so much better than the upper class.

How quaint. Just where I want to eat. At a restaurant owned by a murdered who likes dismembering people! I wouldn't order the Jambalaya...who know who's in there?

You know you love your kids when you buy them a $109,000 play structure with three bedrooms and two baths. Although, I'm not seeing where they've hidden those...but the slide is nice.

Another Installment of Funny Ads

Okay, why is a funeral home's mascot a giant hot dog squirting mustard at people? Do they do funny funerals there? Are they clowns? People dressed up as hot dogs? I'm kind of confused here...

Apparently this dentist not only cleans teeth, but they have a time machine as well. Go in as a six year old and come out as a 30 year old housewife. Not sure I'd want that, but thanks.

Here's a wonderful product. A cutting board that's easy to clean and hygienic. Oh except it's not actually suitable for chopping food on. Well gee, I guess that's why it's so easy to clean! You can't actually use it. I guess it's just a decorative cutting board to hang on the wall...

This amazing cordless phone not only has Caller ID, but Caller IQ! Now you can weed out all the calls from your idiot relatives or friends you can't stand. It tells you their IQ before you answer. And only for $19.99!

Put a smile on her face? She looks like she's been roofied or else wants to die, or both. I don't think she's feeling the keyboard, and it's not music in her heart, but crippling despair...

Alright, what exactly is your dentist doing to you that makes you fit into your favorite jeans again? Or, how fucked up were your teeth that you couldn't fit into your jeans? Were they like tusks that descended below your waistline?  Something doesn't quite add up with this shady dentist...

 Al Gore resurfaces! One, I didn't know he was gone. And two, where the fuck did he come from? The Scum Pits of Hell? I guess that's what happens when you lose a presidential election. You move to a nice mud pit front property in Hell.

I've been looking for a cool car that speaks Spanish. My Chevy only speaks English and it's so boring. But I'd think a Honda would speak Japanese...

This cocky bastard is advertising a 1995 Nissan Maxima with all the fixings. But hey, it's not for sale. Apparently he just wanted to brag a lot about the car he owned. Well let me tell you something pal, a $4500 95 Maxima isn't impressing the ladies much. Let me know when you get a Ferrari k? Or better yet, a Delorean time machine. THEN you can brag.

What fun! Mother & Daughter PJ Night! I wasn't going to go, but when I saw I could bring my favorite Mexican, I couldn't resist. I think I'm gonna bring Jose the lawn boy. He'll have a blast!

I'm sorry, but this Santa looks like he's choking the life out of this dog and wants to eat him. And judging by the look on the dogs face, he knows this too. Can't wait to take my pets to meet this Evil Santa!

Only a $1.69 for 2 lbs of whole peeled baby? I usually pay far more for my babies, and they don't even come peeled! I usually have to do that myself.

 This sounds like a shitty ass deal. Buy three items and then get only one? I think I'll pass...

Interesting. Out of 40 women only two were female? There's obviously a lot Transgender people in the Seanate! I wonder who they are? Scandalous!