So I met this dude online who specifically liked me because we both were Harry Potter dorks. He knew just as much as me, and we spent A LOT of time talking about it and analyzing it, and all the things fan dorks do. I wasn't interested in him for anything other than a friend, and I made that clear. But I thought maybe if he was cool enough in person, you never know?
So last night I was up super, super late talking to him via text. We thought of meeting today for a coffee, but I got the crazy idea to meet at a gas station by my house and get a milkshake at 3:30am, then we'd go someplace and watch the sunrise, as we giggled and laughed and dorked out talking about our favorite nerdy subject. In my head, it was an adventure! Something totally crazy and out of the blue and spur of the moment. I tend to get this way sometimes. It's just me. And after a little bit of coaxing, he agreed since he lives real close by. So the plan was to get the milkshakes and then go find a place to park and watch the sunrise.
By 4:10 am, I was at the gas station waiting and he pulled up about a minute later. I get out, we greeted each other, and then I asked, "So you wanna get those milkshakes?" Then he says, "Nah, I don't have any money." What? THAT was our entire plan. The fucking milkshakes. And he has no money? Whatever. Scratch that dream. So we're drinkless, and I suggest he follow me to the school parking lot because it's a pretty decent place to park. We go there, I get out of my car and ask if he wants to get out of his and sit on the curb, and he's like, "Nah, I'm comfy." So I get into his car, and keep in mind, he's not scary or creepy, so I wasn't worried or anything. But I get in the car and he's listening to a Blue October song. That's my FAVORITE band. I get excited and am like, "OMG, I love Blue October!" To which, he tells me, "Oh, yeah, I don't know. This is my roommates playlist." Strike three. He didn't really even know the band.
So I try to make conversation like we did via text and he's just not down with it. Instead he wants to tell me ALL about his job at Wal-Mart. Now these aren't funny stories like, "One time a customer came in and bought one piece of cheese," Like my work stories. These are stories like, "Yeah, this is what I do and this what I'm in charge of and this how I do it," etc. Do I really care?? He works at WAL-MART not for the fucking FBI! It's not interesting! This was me right about the 35 minute mark of the one sided conversation that would never, ever end because he never stopped talking long enough for me to say anything!
I had no choice but to just sit there and listen. And listen. And listen. I kept yawning and checking the time on my phone. And every time I thought he'd shut up and I could speak, I'd open my mouth, and he'd start talking again. It was one of the most boring experiences of my life. I was better off just going to bed. This was neither wild nor crazy nor fun nor adventurous. I felt like I was trapped in a stuffy car with Bubba from Forrest Gump, listing off all the different types of shrimp dishes he could make. Only I have slightly more interest in shrimp than I do in Wal-Mart business. But it was stuffy in the car so I asked if he could roll my window down. So he cracked it a bit, which wasn't enough. Then kept on talking. FOREVER. I finally said I needed a cigarette and should probably go outside and/or leave, but he's like, "Nah, it's fine. I'll just roll the window down more for you."
Escape thwarted. So I sat and listened as the subject FINALLY changed, but this time it changed to his entire family tree, their names, ages, where they lived, who they lived with, how many kids they had, and who was alive and who had died and who was getting divorced and who was pregnant. He had the biggest fucking family I'd ever heard of except the Weasley's. But no one in his family was in Romania training Dragons or a Curse Breaker for Gringotts Bank. This was all very, very dull. I was beginning to look like this in the car seat next to him:
Yet Mr. Energizer Boring kept talking without even breathing. It was something to behold. And then finally at 5:30am he paused slightly and I was like, "Wow, it's 5:30am and the sun is rising and Starbucks just opened. I'm gonna go get some coffee and leave now." He was just like, "Oh, okay." And I think he could tell I was annoyed and bored. I didn't even look at him as I exited the car and mumbled, "Nice to finally meet you," and then slammed the door and got back in my car and drove off. My god, that was painful. And I've not heard a word from him since, and I'm certainly not texting him. He probably thinks I was the boring one because I barely said three words, but it was only because he never gave me a chance to speak!!
Why can't I meet any friends who like the same stuff I do and who aren't totally boring or weird or liars or freaks or only 13 years old??? Am I looking for a unicorn? Does a decent normal person of any gender not exist in this town? Or in the world? And why are some people SO funny and cool online and then in person they're complete duds? It's like spending $15 on an awesome firework that just catches on fire and tips over and doesn't even have a fountain of sparks. It's a dud. A waste of time. A huge letdown. BIG overture, LITTLE show. Blah.
Welcome to my life. Maybe someday I'll find a person who doesn't bore me to tears. Doesn't anyone like to have fun? I'm not holding my breath.
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