The Bearded Lady and Other Freaks--Scenes From My Life

So as most of you know, I am a convenience store clerk. And no, that's not me over there in the picture, but lets be honest, he sums up my life. So that's metaphorically me okay? Anyway, we see some really weird people sometimes. I've written about them before. But I've got new stories now because I've been working there longer. I will commence to explain what I deal with on a daily basis now that I've come to know the 'regulars'.

First we have the person I shall call the Bearded Lady.

Now who am I to judge people for having unwanted facial hair? Except this hair is apparently wanted and a fashion statement. She not only possesses a lady beard, she braids it. And just imagine this person -------> with a baseball hat and tattoos everywhere with a braided lady beard. She's apparently bad news. I wouldn't know since she's always been nice to me, however she was responsible for one person quitting, and decided to bring out her stun gun to threaten another clerk who works graveyard.

For this offense, she was officially banned from the store. It was my job to hand her a letter stating the fact that they had her on camera with the stun gun and she was to leave immediately or I'd call 911. Did I wanna hand over that letter? Oh fuck no. She actually liked me. I wasn't going to be the bearer of bad tidings. She knows my car. She's seen me in it. I could just imagine her breaking all my windows or keying it or something. Or else just jumping me and killing me. And this is what her bestie looks like that's always with her.

And I know for a fact she just got out of prison. Not jail, but fucking prison. I don't know what she did, but I probably don't wanna know. And yet they tell me to face off bearded lady and skinhead chick. No. Just no. I basically refused to deliver the letter. Someone else had to do it. So luckily the next day when I got to work, the letter was gone. Aha! Someone else was the bearer of that bad news. I hope they don't come back. I really don't wanna call the police. And so often I'm alone there that I wouldn't know what to do. I don't get hazard pay.

Then there is another guy. Now he hasn't been banned (yet), but he shows up drunk and buys more beer. I can't sell beer to an already drunk person, so I've had to turn him down. Then he just manages to get someone else to buy it for him. And he hangs out at the store getting drunk in the bathroom or somewhere else I can't see him, and then he slurs his words and breathes on me and actually paid for gas, didn't pump it, locked his keys in the truck and locked his phone in there too. So he was stranded on pump number one for at least six hours. My shift ended and his fucking truck was still there. I was actually relieved because he shouldn't have been driving and I almost called the cops on him. He would have killed someone. But why do people want to hang out and get drunk at the store?? Why not go home, for fucks sake. It's safer and legal to do that!

But what do you do with someone like that? You can't stop them from coming in, even if you can stop selling to them. But why must my store be a hang out for losers? This one woman used to buy beer and sit in her car for hours in the parking lot. Why?? Is your home life that bad you'd rather be at the mini mart? I can think of better places to drink. Like a bar? I don't see any fucking bar stools outside our place. Go away people!

Then there is another gem of society I like to call them Creepers. It's the old men who insists on flirting with you and calling you 'babydoll' or 'darling' and you want to puke and disinfect yourself after they leave. This one guy walks in every night and says,

"Hello Cutie!" And he proceeds to grab a straw and a huge can of beer and come to the register to flirt. He drinks his beer with a STRAW! Seriously. WTF? But then he tells me all about how he'd rather enjoy drinking with me, etc. Yuck. No thanks. I'd rather not. But I'm sure he's harmless. This other dude on the other hand is a little more overt and expects you to know exactly what he wants to buy without him telling you (Swisher Sweets in case you're wondering) and he lingers too long, talks too much, and flirts like he thinks we're really flattered by his attentions. I've never been called baby or sweetie or doll face so many times in my life. These guys will stay in the store for hours if you let them. They need girlfriends their own age. Or something. Anything. Just go away.

Then we have my favorites, because they're harmless and non scary. But you gotta give an honorable mention to the hipsters. Man-buns, beards, tattoos, flannel, and glasses. And they ALWAYS want a pack of American Spirits.  It's to the point where when they walk in I'm like, "American Spirits?" and

they get all surprised like, "Wow, she's psychic!" when really they're just predictable and like spending extra money for 'organic' cigarettes that will still kill you just the same as the regular ones, but at least you can say you tried to be healthier and better for the environment. Or whatever the reason is. I just know they love those cigarettes. 

But credit to the cute hipster who comes in often and shirks tradition and buys Marlboro Smooth Menthols. Of course he asked for my opinion on what to buy and I suggested those. Props for listening to me and going against the grain, cute hipster dude who always asks me what time I get off work. 

So anyway, slice of my life. The good, the bad and the ugly (and the cute guy thrown in for good measure). Want my job? We're hiring! Until next time....