The Dregs of Humanity (also known as online dating sites)

So I've been casually looking for dates online for the past year or so, with no real success. Sure, I've had some people interested but as you can see, it went nowhere. And that's because people are fucking crazy, yo. Seriously. I always joke and say I'm crazy, but really these people are ACTUALLY nuts. At least most of them. I met ONE decent guy, and forget the rest. But sometimes I get lonely and I cruise the lovely OkCupid website and see a bunch of dudes like this guy <----- staring back at me. Sorry. Not that desperate. And I feel sorta bad for them because really, who's gonna see that pic and go, "that's my dream man!" Not that I'm a goddess, mind you. But let's give me some credit, okay? I'm better than that.

And reading through the profiles is also good for a laugh. Occasionally someone looks sorta cute so I read the profile and it either says nothing at all. Or it's a fucking manuscript about their life and I just wanna send them a message that says, "tl:dr, dude." (Too long, didn't read for those not hip to internet slang--yes Mom I'm talking to you...lol) Anyway, so we get the silent types and the people who write books and then there's the dorks who usually are only medium cute with cheesy shit like this posted.

Give me a break. With lines like that, all I can do is roll my eyes and skip them with a big NOPE and move on. Like this one dude I saw tonight who posted under the heading, "what are you good at?" His response: "wouldn't you like to know ;-)" Um, not really. And he said I should message him only if I wanted to know. Blah. Nope. Next one. Then some other guy (medium cute) posted this rather interesting profile until I got to the bottom where he said a girl must love to be controlled and dominated. Huh? Christian Grey? Is that you? Do I have to sign a contract before we go out? Nope. Next one! Then there's the guys who post nothing but pics of their tattoos--without their faces showing. Am I supposed to know if I like your looks by a tattoo of a water lily on your back? I don't care about the fucking tattoos if I can't see your face, man. But the worst ones are the ones who post group photos.

Which one are you??? They never say. And frankly there's always an ugly one in the bunch and you have to wonder, "is that fugly one him?" And you'll never know unless you ask, but you can't ask if he's the gross one in the group. And if he is, you've already made contact and all hope is lost. I just wanna know which one is you before I bother to speak to you! Is that so much to ask? I mean, if I posted nothing but a pic of me with 3 supermodels, the guy is gonna be disappointed when I say, "yeah, I'm the short chubby one in the middle...." See my point? Don't post group photos. Just don't.

Also don't post pics of you with your ex-wife, girlfriend, fuck buddy, etc. Nothing turns a girl off more than to see a bunch of pictures of a happy couple and the dude is trolling for another girl. Either he's a dog and is cheating openly, or they're a kinky couple, or he's still hung up on the ex. Don't post a pic of you and another girl who's not your mom or sister or homely cousin. I don't care how nice you look in the photo, just find a picture without the other girl in it. You'll make everyone happier. That's like posting your old wedding photo and expecting a response. No girl wants to feel the ghost of the girl who came before her. On to the next one because that's a big NOPE.

The last dating site NO-NO is this one. Don't post a pic of you wasted and holding beer/whatever your poison is. I've seen so many pics of guys with alcohol in their hands with a ciggie dangling from their mouths as they practically topple over onto the ground. What could be more attractive than that? An alcoholic smoker who might do drugs too because his eyes are so red and glassed over. Is that the image you think will attract women?? If so, then perhaps I'm not the target audience. Sure I like to have fun like the next person. I'm not a church girl. But would I post a pic of me wasted and laying on a barroom floor as my profile pic? No! God, what a train wreck. Which leads me to admit that I corresponded with a cute guy who had a pic of him guzzling a beer (I was momentarily blinded by his hotness) But that ended with him becoming homeless by being kicked out of his house and asking me, a total stranger, if he could come to MY house and take a fucking shower. Nope! My god. I didn't even know him. Lesson learned. Avoid the alkies even if they're cute.

This concludes tonight's thoughts on online dating. I think I'll just become a nun....