My little writing is just the opposite. It's entitled, Everybody's Free To Go Tanning. And no, I don't actually tan. But enjoy the silliness!
Everybody Is Free To Go Tanning
Ladies and Gentlemen, go tanning.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, tanning would be it. The long term benefits of tanning have been proven by tanning salons all across America. Fresh bulbs, cool beds, No waiting. Public nudity. This has been proven by trained tanologists at the Artificial Tanning Institute, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more accurate than my own random thoughts.
I will give you this advice now.
Enjoy being young. Look at old people every once in awhile and realize that once, they too wore bell bottoms and thought they looked cool. In twenty years, you'll look back at pictures of yourself, and shriek with horror. Yes, you did wear those skinny jeans with those Converse. And who thought it was the height of fashion for guys to shave their heads? You'll look back at yourself, and think you were a P.O.W.
Yes, you are probably as fat as you imagine. Get away from the television, the computer, or your video game every once in awhile and move. Walk. Run. Roll down a freeway embankment, and dodge big trucks at the bottom of the hill. Adrenaline is good for you. Stop ordering a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Diet Coke. Order a salad, with a regular Coke once in awhile. It's not brain surgery.
Conversely, stop looking at 90 pound celebrities with big heads as your physical ideal. Find a happy medium. You'll never meet your fantasy of perfection. Deal with that, and be happy.
Worrying about the future is about as effective as trying to program a computer by chewing Altoids and drinking a Latte. The real troubles in your life aren't the kind you can prepare for, or dream up as an income tax deduction. They're the kind that happen when you look in your rear view mirror, and see flashing red lights when you know you only had 12 beers or so. Why is he stopping you? Were you swerving? When did you get that mailbox hood ornament?
Floss. Floss until your gums say, "Dammit stop flossing!"
Dance. Even if you look like a complete spastic, and people point and stare. Stop in the middle of Wal-Mart and dance the funky chicken or something. They do that stuff on Glee and nobody laughs at them. Even if they arrest you for creating a public nuisance, break into a slow waltz with the arresting officer. He just might be the artsy type.
Sing. Sing loud, and sing often. Just don't sing country western songs and wear a cowboy hat. One Garth Brooks concert in your life is enough. Move on. He's not that great.
Drink milk. Well, unless you're lactose intolerant.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. If this happens, put their address on Craigslist with their phone number under the "illicit encounters" heading. Revenge, while childish, can be fun. Call the local chapter of Jehovah's Witnesses and tell whoever answers the phone you know someone who wants to convert and will put up a fuss, but go to their house anyway. Tell them not to take no for an answer.
Don't waste time with jealousy. Remember that scene in Fatal Attraction where the wife found the pet rabbit boiling in the soup kettle? It's okay to be jealous, but don't boil anyone's pet. That can be dangerous with large dogs. Instead have someone drive your car by their house while you press your bare ass against the window. They'll get the idea. And if they don't, you've ruined their appetite forever. Revel in that.
Floss some more. Don't inspect your Kleenex after you blow your nose. You'll never find anything of value.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. You can live at home until you're at least 40, and after that, there's always welfare.
Be kind to your knees. You never know when you'll have to get down on them and beg your parents for money.
Maybe you'll marry? Maybe you won't. You'll probably be gay, so warm up to that possibility now.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you wont? If you do, don't count on them being grateful for all you've sacrificed for them, until you are dead.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the Macarena at your 75th birthday with your 35 year old trophy wife?
Enjoy your body. Do I have to spell it out for you?
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you buy cosmetics you don't need. No amount of mascara that combs your eyelashes until they are ten feet long, will improve on your basic looks, if you think you're ugly. All people are inherently beautiful in a variety of different ways. Don't be afraid to be unique, just don't let it cross a line into really fucking weird.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they might stop over unannounced while you're having a wild drunken sex orgy, carrying a pot of leftovers.
Be nice to your siblings. You never know when you might need a kidney.
Understand that friends come and go, but if any of them ever screw you over, you're within your rights to set their car on fire and Fed Ex their cat to China.
Travel.
Live in New York city once, but leave before someone carves your lungs out with a pencil sharpener.
Live in California once, but leave before you become stupid and become an organic vegan farmer.
Split the difference, and live in Indiana.
Someday you'll look back and think that your youth was spent in far more gracious times than what you'll be living in. Get real. Remember, you came from a time when the President had to admit to the world that he got a hummer in the Oval Office over a pizza and a cigar.
Respect your elders, but know you can make fun of them behind their backs, and they won't hear a word you say.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Wait. I forgot. You went to college and majored in English Literature. Get used to being supported by whatever public agency or relative you can find.
Learn to use your hands. The world, in spite of what you might think, does not operate with the push of a button. Get dirty once in awhile.
Be careful of whose advice you follow. Never trust anyone with a speech impediment. There is too much room for misunderstanding.
Remember that advice, when given unsolicited, is usually worth exactly what you paid for it. However, there is nothing wrong with learning from someone else's mistakes.
Don't turn into one of those people who blames everything bad in their life on someone else. Your choices are half chance, half dumbass luck, and half fate. Yeah, I know, that adds up to 150. Life doesn't always work out perfectly.
But trust me on the tanning. Most people just look better with a pre-melanoma glow.
No comments:
Post a Comment