The Dead Heart

I've come to realize over the last nine months, or perhaps even longer than that, that I've stopped feeling a desire for a connection with another human being. This doesn't mean I don't want friends, because I do. But when it comes to really opening up and laying my soul bare, and meeting a person in a romantic capacity, I simply have no desire for it. I go through the motions, because it's expected of me by several people. I'm merely doing what humans do. Seeking out other humans to share your life with. However, I honestly don't want this. I have no desire or lust in my heart. I don't care about romance. I don't care about love. I've tried to. But I just don't care. I'm utterly numbed to the point that the entire concept of love seems ultra foreign to me. I don't know what it would even feel like. I'm not sure I've felt it for a very, very long time. Not really. I've been numb inside for awhile. Longer than I even noticed, I think. And now I struggle with just not fitting into this world.

I'm rather alien to most, who all seem to crave and desire sex, love, romance. To me, that's all meaningless. I could live my whole life without ever having any of that. I'm far too selfish to really put my all into something, and I'm far to broken to have much to offer either. There's just nothing inside me anymore. It's like carrying around a dead heart.

I've tried to find people and feel something for them, but they only end up annoying me. Or pissing me off. Or disappointing me. I don't think my standards are too high. I was only looking for someone to laugh with and hang out with and go places with. And hopefully someone who had similar interests. Or who would at least be open to hearing about my interests, if I was open to hearing about theirs. Instead I just got losers or complainers or people who love to fight or have no interest in actually knowing me, they just want physical stuff. And I don't have time for any of that bullshit.

I used to keep people around me, way past their expiration dates, just so I wouldn't be alone. I kept toxic people, who only made me cry or feel terrible about myself. I kept people who all I did was fight with. I kept people who depressed me instead of lifting me up. I gave second chances and third chances and five hundredth chances to everyone. But now I can't even be bothered to give someone half a chance. If you piss me off or displease me, you're pretty much history. Because I have a keen sense of who and what will become HUGE problems later on down the road, because I've experienced it, so I just nip it in the bud. Which leaves me alone. But the thing is, I don't care. Other people care that I'm alone way more than I care about it.

I feel like it's too much energy to be in a relationship. So everyone always says, "Oh, have FWB." Well, I don't care about sex at all, so why would I do that? In reality, I just want someone to hang out with sometimes. That's it. I don't want to be LONELY. There's a difference between being alone and lonely. And I don't want to feel lonely. I just don't care if I'm alone 90% of the time. In the end, I like me better than I like most other people, save for a few out there. I think I'm a halfway decent friend, but that's about it. And even then, if you display the traits I know are warning signs in my life, you'll be out the door too. I want simple and easy and fun. That's all. It's all I'm capable of. It's a long ways off from who I used to be. But that girl isn't here anymore. She's left the building. She's dead. And now I'm what's left. And when I look in the mirror, I don't know who she is. Or if I like her. I just know she's probably healthier than she's ever been. But she's also colder than she's ever been. Is there a way to find a happy medium? If there is, I don't know it. And maybe I never will....