I used to think that my uncle was actually Jimmy Carter. I'd see him on TV and be like, "Yo, that's my uncle! He's president or something. I don't know." And I honestly believed this to be a fact. I used to tell all my friends that my uncle was the president, and honestly I didn't even know wtf a president did except make speeches on TV. I think I was maybe 7 or 8 before it dawned on me, my uncle was not actually Jimmy Carter. Oops!
I also grew up believing that the Partridge Family were our neighbors across the street. They had a big van thing, all hippie, and a huge family and would often sit on their front lawn and sing folk songs with their guitars and tambourines. It never occurred to me this was just a weird hippie family. I thought for sure they were the Partridge's and someone just put them on TV, just like my uncle.
I used to think that a woman got pregnant if she kissed while lying in a bed. And no, I didn't even realize an actual man had to be involved. I thought if you kissed in a bed, you'd get pregnant. So once when I was about 7, I was being silly and kissed my pillow, pretending it was the hot guy from the Terminator, and I pretended I was Sarah Connor. Then I panicked later, because I was convinced my pillow got me pregnant. After all, I kissed it in a bed. My stomach started to hurt one day, and I refused to poop because I thought I'd poop out a baby and it would belong to the Terminator dude because I pretended the pillow was him. It took me about a week of forcing myself not to poop, before I finally gave in and was shocked when there wasn't a baby in the toilet.
I loved Star Wars SO much, that I literally practiced the Force. I'd spend hours in my room trying to stand on my head and make objects move with my mind. I really, really thought I could do this. I thought it was a real thing, and I could master it.
When I was really young, we had a huge garden with fruits and veggies and fruit trees, etc. I grew up believing everything that grew on a plant or a tree was food. This led to me eating acorns and also some weird orange flower my mom planted. And I didn't think this was odd, I simply decided, "Hmm, I don't much care for acorns and flowers. I won't eat those when I grow up." *face palm*
I used to spend HOURS collecting snails and making a habitat for them inside my little plastic kiddie pool. I perfected the art of a happy snail home, with leaves and dirt and some water for them to drink. Then the next day I'd happily go check on them, and they'd all be gone. I thought someone was stealing my pet snails! I was outraged. And went to go find more. And it kept happening. It never occurred to me that snails can just slither out of a kiddie pool. I thought there was a thief stealing them, and I was heartbroken. I wanted police involved.
This one is super personal, so hide your blushing eyes. But ahem, when I was young I discovered that if you touched yourself in a private manner, it felt amazing. Like super fucking amazing. And every time I did that, I wondered to myself, "Does anyone else in this world realize they can make this happen??" I thought I'd discovered some ancient Chinese secret. And I wanted to tell everyone I knew, but I was too embarrassed, so I kept quiet, but very smug, because I thought I invented the orgasm. Which by the way, I didn't know there was a name for what happened until I was like 13 years old!! Yes, I was sheltered.
Once I heard someone in Jr. High talk about a girl giving a blow job to some guy. I was utterly perplexed. What on earth was that? Someone said it had something to do with penises and I was even more confused. I just thought a girl blew on it and it felt nice. It didn't occur to me to think anything else. I just thought people were super weird and wondered how boys could get excited by a girl blowing on their penis. I was ridiculously old when I learned what it actually meant...
When I was a little kid, I loved the show Three's Company. And the huge running joke was, Jack had to pretend to be gay in order to live with the two girls and not upset the landlord. I had zero clue what 'gay' meant. I thought it just meant Jack was super happy and it made him talk funny whenever he pretended to be 'gay'. Then one day I finally asked my mom what the heck this word meant, and she said it was when a man liked other men and not women. I laughed hysterically because I thought it wasn't a real thing. I thought it was just a joke the writers of Three's Company made up. And I thought that for a really, really long time.
When I was little, I thought Cat Tails that grew in swamps and bogs, were actually wild corn dogs. And yes, I thought I could eat them. See above my obsession with eating plants and such...lol Imagine my shock trying to take a bite and getting a mouth full of fluffy cottony bullshit. I stopped believing they were corn dogs after that.
Once growing up, we had some really scary neighbors. The FBI came looking for them more than once, Repo men came looking, and either someone told me this, or I made it up, but I thought they were Colombian drug lords. And one day, they vanished in the middle of the night so I wanted to do some detective work of my own. So I hopped the fence and looked around. Then I found bones all over the yard that I thought were human remains. I panicked and worried I'd be implicated in the obvious murders that took place there. Because naturally the FBI will suspect the 7 year old girl next door of murdering someone, and not the Colombian drug lord. But when I showed my mom, she simply told me they were meat bones that the guy fed his dog, and not an actual human corpse littered all over the yard. I hung up my detective hat after that one.
When we'd go to a fancy restaurant that had a bar, my parents always ordered me a Shirley Temple. I thought it was booze. I thought they were being cool and letting me drink just because it was a fancy restaurant. I didn't know what was in a Shirley Temple until I was in my teens and someone asked my favorite alcohol drink and I answered with "Shirley Temple!" Lost some cool points when I was told that was just Sprite and Grenadine with a cherry in it. Ooops.
Most kids are super in awe and excited about Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. But me? I was truly terrified that these weirdos came into my locked house and just muddled around leaving eggs and gifts and money. Don't get me wrong, I wanted their offerings. But I was scared shitless to accidentally wake up and see one of them in my house. The fairy thing especially freaked me out because she came into my ROOM, and I didn't trust that little fairy bitch. Who collects teeth anyway? A freak! I was legit terrified until one night I was super brave and faked sleep, and caught my mom putting quarters under my pillow. I wasn't disappointed, I was relieved as fuck! I was so happy it was all a terrible lie.
What are some weird things you used to believe? How stupid were you? I can't be the only with dumb ass stories like this! Please feel free to share so I don't feel so dumb.
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