Always...

Some people might wonder why I'd get a tattoo on my wrist from Harry Potter that is simply the word "Always". If you've never seen the movies or read the books, it has absolutely no meaning to you at all. But those of you who have watched or read, you might at least get the basic gist of why it's meaningful. But why is it so meaningful to me personally? Well I'm going to explain. In the story, Severus Snape was a young boy who met a girl named Lily Evans. He was immediately drawn to her because she was special, just like him. He loved her instantly and seeing as how he was sort of weird loner, she was his only friend. Eventually they grew up and went to Hogwarts together, where they were torn apart by the fact that he got mixed up with a bad crowd, and she did not approve. She eventually shunned him and got involved with another guy, who she eventually married. But Severus never stopped loving her. The feelings he had when he was just a boy, never left his heart. In his mind, they still had a bond, because for a time, she was simply the only one who actually cared for him at all. He knew it was partly his own fault that he lost her favor and her friendship and her potential love. And he had to live knowing that his own bad choices are what lost him his chance at the girl he loved most. As adults, Lily married someone else, and Severus was intensely upset and jealous, but also knew, he could do nothing about it. All he wanted was for her to be happy and safe. So when her life was put in danger, he risked everything he had and everything he was, just to try and protect her.

 Unfortunately he failed. It was out of his hands. And the love of his life was murdered, lost to him forever, in a much more permanent way than simply losing her to another man. She was gone. But his love remained. This man chose to live his life alone and never let go of the woman who captured his heart when he was young. To some, this is very romantic. To others, it's simply obsession and rather pathetic. I see both sides, yet, I'm coming out on the side of romantic. Because I can relate. No, no one died on me. But there is a love I carry in my heart from when I was young, and I never got over it. I don't think I ever will. And this person is long gone from my life, and I know they're never coming back, so it's a symbolic death. But sometimes a heart has long memories that just don't disappear, even when the other person has flown away, never to be seen again.

Some people leave deep penetrating memories that can never be erased. And I live every day of my life with this burden in my heart. I don't think about it all the time. In fact, I can go very long periods of time where I never think of it at all. But then there are the moments, or the days, where it's all I can think of. And I always have this feeling of 'what if' that goes through my head. What if I'd been different? What if life had gone differently? What if I'd been who I am now, as opposed to who I was then, would it make a difference?

I can't seem to shut the thoughts out or eradicate the sense of longing I still hold in my heart. But I know that it's all futile. Just as Snape knew his love was futile. The heart has a mind of its own. We can't control it. So to me, tattooing myself with the word "Always" reminds me that real love never dies. And perhaps I'm destined to be alone forever, just like Snape was, but I hope I won't be as bitter and angry as he was. I choose to channel my hopeless romantic thoughts into something beautiful and better. I write stories instead. I make up worlds, where the boy and girl DO end up together. I make up lives that truly end happily. And that makes my heart content. Real life doesn't usually give the majority of us a happy ending.

The world is filled with lonely hearts. People who've lost love, people who are afraid to love, people who are too screwed up to love. It seems virtually no one is faithful anymore. Not many people take marriage vows seriously. Divorce is rampant. People kill themselves over not being loved. In real life, only a lucky few individuals find someone they can call a soul mate and actually live happily ever after. I know of a couple of these people, and yes, I'm insanely jealous of them. But they're the lucky few. I know of a WHOLE lot more of us who get screwed over and dumped and cheated on and left in the cold. We are the masses. And some of us are bitter and angry, like Snape. But a lot of us still have this glimmer of hope that true love could still exist and maybe even happen to us. That's why there are so many romance novels and movies. Because people still want to believe. And for some of us, the fantasy is all we really have.

So when someone asks me why I keep writing sappy love stories, I'll say "It's because I still have hope," And then they'll say, "Even after all this time?" My response, "Always..."