I've come to realize recently, that I rather enjoy living inside my head. I like daydreaming, and I like thinking up stories, and I like having running dialogue in my mind that may or may not turn out to be something I use in my writing. It's like I have a whole other life I live, and no one even knows about it. But that's how I want it to be. I want to have a world that's just my own. I'm happy in there. I've been this way since I was a child. I always had elaborate stories or conversations in my head, that simply entertained me and made me not feel so alone.
I never did have many friends, and as a kid, I was bullied a lot, so this was my coping mechanism. As I got older, I found that this personality quirk didn't go away. In fact, it probably grew even stronger. And I sometimes find myself preferring to be left alone with my own world, than to actually engage in the real world. I realize this might make me clinically insane or something, but it's how I feel. It's not that I don't like real people, it's just that I find a lot of them boring. Certainly not all, don't get me wrong. There are people I love to converse with, and get me in the right mood, and I'll talk forever about silly stuff, serious stuff, crazy stuff. You name it. But on the whole, I find people tiresome and often too needy. It's like they want me to listen to their problems and help them, but why on earth would they ask ME for help? Do I look like I've got my shit together and am all knowing and wise? Hell no.
Sometimes when people seek me out for help I just get utterly confused as to why they'd think I would know the answers, when half the time I can't even understand the question. But I used to be very interested in being some sort of hero type, who would give amazing help and advice and I wanted to fix people. But over the years, I grew out of that. I got weary of it. Half the time no one ever listened to me anyway. And the rest of the time, I would maybe actually be of some service, but then the person would simply disappear out of my life until they wanted something else again. I got fed up with the entire concept. And perhaps maybe I'm not as good of a person as I used to think I was. I'm certainly not as selfless. It used to matter to me a great deal that I should make sure everyone around me was happy. And sometimes I'd sacrifice a lot of my own needs or wants, just to achieve this.
But now I'm much more selfish I guess. It's not that I don't care or want people to be happy, it's simply I don't have the energy to make someone else happy when I'm too busy trying to make myself happy instead. Does this mean I've grown into a terrible person? I have no idea. But I find my patience for the human race is at an all time low. Which is why I like to be inside my own head, because then I get to control everything, at all times. And that's something I've sorely lacked in my life, is a sense of actual control. I always felt like shit just happened to me and I was helpless to stop it. And a lot of the time, that's actually the truth. But in my head, if I don't like the way an idea is going, I can just stop and go in a different direction. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Remember those when we were kids?
But in a real life situation, if someone says something you don't like, or aren't interested in, you can't just yell, "Stop! Do over!" and turn to a different page where something better happens. You have to actually deal with whatever gets thrown at you, and I have difficulty with that lately. I used to crave companionship more than anything in the world, but I so rarely had it, that I morphed into a being who grew to dislike the very thing she used to pray for.
For example, there's a person I've met who I wanted to get to know, so I put myself out there and got to know them. We had lots in common and they were very nice. But now this person is constantly clamoring for my attention and getting way, way, too invested in me. And I'm just sort of chilling out here thinking, "God, please find something else to do except text me ALL day long!" I've run out of things to say! And having someone text you, "I just ate a burrito," isn't really stimulating my mind. I don't fucking care what you just ate! Or if you just saw a funny commercial. Or if you just sneezed.
The way I see it, don't talk to me unless you actually have something to say. Otherwise you will annoy me and I will retreat back into my mind where at least I know my own jokes make me laugh, and my own thoughts don't bore me to tears. Is this completely anti-social behavior? Have I lost it? I really don't know. Like I said, I DO enjoy talking to people, but it has to have some sort of substance or at least humor. And please, oh please, do not whine to me how lonely you are, because I can't fix that. And after hearing a person say it enough, I realized they were waiting for me to share the sentiment and wish I was with them, when the truth was, I was happily enjoying my solitude and not wishing I was anywhere else except where I was.
This response was displeasing to the other party. I was apparently supposed to be pining away and miserable too. But I wasn't. So I think it's safe to say that true love isn't really blooming on my end of the spectrum. But I'm perfectly okay with that. I don't really want anything to do with love. I just wanted someone to entertain me and perhaps talk about dorky things with, but then they went and got all serious and fell head over heels in record time, and now, to quote Willow from Buffy, "Bored now!" Is everyone out there really crazy enough to believe you can love someone just because you both like Harry Potter and some of the same music? Is that what love is about? If so, I could probably love a million people, but I don't fall that fast. And I'm not even sure I want it that badly in the first place, because real people never live up to the ideals I have in my mind. And I'm oddly content to have crushes on fictional characters, rather than real people. Yes, I said it. I don't think any person can ever interest me as much as people who don't even exist. Straight jacket time!
But the oddest thing is, now that I don't really give much of a shit if I meet anyone or have a companion or a friend, everywhere I go, people pay attention to me and talk to me and strike up conversations. What is with that? No one EVER even knew I lived on this planet, and now people are constantly talking to me, Was I throwing out desperation vibes before and it freaked everyone out? Is my, "I don't care if everyone hates me," vibe, inviting strangers to chat me up? But I kind of like the random people who talk to me because there's no commitment involved. I can dig that sort of real world interaction. It's just the more personal stuff that's making me want to fake my own death just so I can be alone with my thoughts without anyone intruding on my world. Are some people just better off as loners? But not in a creepy, "She might kill us all in our sleep" way. Just I sincerely have no problem being a lone wolf.
I think I just want a person in my life who's content to be around when I'm in the mood for interaction, but then they're perfectly happy to just go away and sit on a shelf somewhere until I need them again. Is that too much to ask? Probably so. That's probably why I sucked at being married. Relationships aren't really like that, are they? Which is why I think I don't belong in one. But surely there's another weirdo out there in the world who's like me? Maybe not. I guess for now, I'm just gonna sit here and get lost in my world and pretend I'm normal if anyone asks. Shouldn't be too hard to do. I've been pretending I was normal for 40 years and some change. What's a little longer? But God damn it, my phone is blowing up with more, "I just walked down the street," texts. I must not strangle them through the phone. Breathe. Just breathe. Serenity now!
No comments:
Post a Comment