Back when I was in school, I used to be the target of a lot of bullies. I was freakishly tall for my age, overweight, had horrible teeth, bad hair, and dressed like a total spaz. There was nothing about me that wasn't fodder for the school bullies, of which, there were quite a lot of them. I wasn't just occasionally picked on, but for several years, I was actually harassed daily by two boys in particular. They would follow me around, call me names, try and touch my over large breasts, and would consistently hound me until I would cry and hide in the bathroom just to get away from them.
Now it's no secret that bullying can lead to depression and incredibly low self esteem. It's a huge problem in every school in this country. My story isn't a new one. It's a very common one. And the scars these two boys left on my psyche, affected me into adulthood. So much so, that I actually sought therapy to deal with the trauma I'd faced as a kid. (But to be fair this was only ONE thing I sought therapy for out of a huge list which I won't go into.) However, this was one of the major sources for my low self esteem as an adult.
One of the things that my therapist suggested I do was to make a list of the people who hurt me, and role play what I'd say to them now if I could. It sounded a little silly, but I played along. And there was one person at the top of my list who I felt caused the most damage. So we acted out a conversation together.
She played him and I was me, of course. And honestly, it did help me. I had a lot of questions for this person, and I felt like my therapist did a pretty decent job acting out the role. However, I didn't think it really got to the root of how I felt because only HE knew why he did it. She was just acting a part. So one night I was sitting on Facebook and I decided to contact this guy. Yes, we were friends on Facebook, despite our history. But no, we never spoke to one another ever. It was just one of those, "Oh I knew this guy...." And you accept the request and forget about it. But not this night. I decided that I'd go a step further in my therapy process and actually ask HIM why he did what he did.
This was a scary process for me. I sat there looking at the blank message window for quite some time, not knowing exactly what to say or how to start or what his response might be. I honestly thought he'd ignore me and delete me. That was my expectation. But something inside me urged me to just go for it. So I typed out my message. I was polite and nice and basically just asked him if he remembered the things he said and did to me and simply asked, "Why? What did I ever do to you?" To my shock and awe, he wrote me back. And he was not only apologetic, but incredibly sweet and nice. He said sorry multiple times and explained how he was bullied too, and somehow it made him feel better to have someone else weaker to make fun of himself. He had no real
good excuse, as these things go. Because when you're nine years old, you just do idiotic things. But he did share with me his own experiences with bullies, that were just as bad or worse than my own experiences from him, and others.
Then something really weird happened between us, because we found each other to be a comfort and there was this immediate rapport and sense of friendship that just blossomed, even though we'd once been sworn enemies. I realized that I was talking to someone who understood things about me that no one else ever did. And right away, we realized, "hey, I think we're friends now." It was like meeting each other all over again for the first time.
After the apologies and explanations, I found that I just wasn't mad at him anymore. And I think after talking to me, he realized I wasn't angry either and that we actually had things in common.
A lot of things. Things that no one else in either of our lives knew about. It was sort of like meeting an instant best friend, and we realized we both secretly rooted for each other all the time and that even though we hadn't talked, we both read each other's posts regularly and laughed and felt a connection. We just never said anything because of the weird history. But we effectively banished that history, and now I have to say this person is one of my dearest friends.
We speak to each other regularly on Facebook, giving each other Netflix movie suggestions, chatting about life, about our problems, about our families, about our lives in general. We make a point to actually meet up on a regular basis to go dancing and to the movies. Plus we're both terrible gossips. We have SO many stories to share with each other that make us laugh and bond us together. We've completely buried the past like it never even existed. And if not for me having the courage to confront him, I'd miss out on this wonderful little friendship we've made.
He told me a few times that I'm just very easy to talk to and that he shares so much with me. And I feel the same way. And I sometimes wonder, are we the same people who used to be the tormentor and the tormented? But the answer is no. We're
not the same people. Life has changed us. And back then, if we'd known it, we could have been friends the entire time.
Our entire lives. But instead we got a really big do-over. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm not even sure if he realizes how much his friendship means to me. He's such a funny person and always makes me laugh. And if I'm feeling down, he just seems to know exactly what I need to hear.
Who would have ever thought? The two of us as BFF. I would have eaten my shoe when I was nine if anyone ever told me he'd be my closest friend this many years later. But it happened. And I'm grateful for it And it just shows that if you're being bullied now, or if you ever have been, things DO get better. And they DO change. And sometimes people are mean because people are mean to them too. Humans are stupid creatures sometimes who take out their anger on the wrong people. But my faith in humanity is restored because I now know people CAN change, and for the better.
I've read stories where people contacted their old bullies and got apologies, but I've never read a story where the two people actually became close friends who confide their secrets and hang out and have fun together. This has taught me that not only do people change, but that holding onto hurt and anger from our past only hurts us and serves no real purpose in life. If someone ever wronged you, maybe you should tell them how they made you feel? What if you end up making a friend, instead of keeping an enemy?
That said, I know that not everyone can forgive, nor does everyone want to be forgiven. I'm not delusional. And some things, some acts, some words, they just can't be taken back and made right again. But sometimes, some way, things can be made right if you give it a chance.
So I urge anyone who's been bullied, to seek out their tormentors and ask them why. And if you bullied someone, I ask you to reach out and apologize and explain yourself. It's not too late. It's never too late. And maybe, just maybe, you'll make a new friend. That's my lesson to you. Sometimes life is full of surprises. And I think that's what makes it so worth living. The moments you never saw coming.
Love, live, forgive, and see where it gets you. You really have nothing to lose. And I am thankful every day that I chose the path of forgiveness. Not only is my self esteem greater, but now I've got a friend I never expected to have. Life is funny that way. Take chances. You might be pleasantly surprised by the results. I know I am.
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