Razor Wire Shrine

When I was a little girl, all I ever dreamed of was someday falling in love. Other kids might have had other lofty goals or aspirations, but all  I wanted was love. Pure and simple. And that desire carried with me through most of my life. It was the ultimate dream. To love and be loved.... To quote Moulin Rouge, "The greatest thing, I've ever learned, is just to love, and be loved in return..." And I watched that silly musical and cried and loved it and even though it was tragic, it touched my soul. And the message stuck with me. But God, that was YEARS ago. It's an old movie. And the message no longer resonates with me. There are lots of things in life that are good or enjoyable or worth living for. Everyone sings the praises of love, but why really? Is it really that great?

I've been in love. A couple of times, actually. But where did it ever get me? Broken hearted and alone. Would I say I regretted the experiences? No. Not exactly. How can you regret something that once lit up your life? But I'm no longer young and stupid and a romantic dreamer. I'm a realist. Which is not the same as a pessimist. A pessimist always assumes the worst, with no basis in fact. A realist is someone who knows when to have hope, and who knows when to just accept the truth. Despite what some people in my world believe of me, I'm not a pessimist at all. I think good things can happen to people, and possibly to me. But I'm not an optimist, who blindly dreams of these things happening and has no actual reason to believe them possible. I abhor blind optimists.

Which is odd, since one of my great loves, was a person who went by the screen name, "The Infernal Optimist" Crazy huh? I think they're one of the reasons I detest that line of thinking now. No, I'm a realist. And I've seen what lies out there in dating land, or the land of supposed love connections, etc. And it's shockingly sad. Depressingly sad. Everyone is just looking for a thrill, no one wants to actually connect, no one ever actually falls in love, and no one even seems to want to. I'm a person who likes to just throw shit out into the universe for shock value, just to simply see the human response. And let me tell you, it's looking bleak. The idea of romance and true love, simply doesn't even exist for 90% of the population. No one can find it, because no one else seems to want it.

So what does a person do? You adapt. You stop looking for the fairytale. And you just look for what sounds good on any given day. You're lonely tonight? No problem. You can find someone easily. For a night. But if you expect to find love? You're dreaming. Not gonna happen. It just isn't. Everyone lies, everyone cheats, everyone pretends to be something they're not. I dare you to go out in dating land, and find a genuine person. I double dare you! You won't find it. So people like me, the realists, we've lowered our expectations. We don't look for love. Hell, we don't even believe it actually exists anymore. There's only now. The moment. And in a moment, you can feel loved. But then it ends, and you're not loved. You're just a plaything. And the other person, is your plaything. There's nothing real happening. The only difference now, is that I know this. I'm no longer fooled by pretty words, or ridiculous promises. Save that shit for someone dumber than me.

Because I've not only gotten older, but I've gotten wiser. And something that would have bothered me twenty years ago, doesn't even register on my radar now. My heart is surrounded by barbed wire. No one's getting in there. Ever. Not again. I won't let that happen. I won't let my guard down. And I will not be a fool anymore. Some people might find that sad, but it's simply self preservation. If you allow yourself to get attached, you'll get hurt. So you might as well avoid that problem, by not caring at all. That way when someone doesn't live up to expectations, you can rightfully say, I had no expectations to live up to. Everyone wins.

This is a stark contrast who I was a few years ago. And all my life. But one major catastrophe, piled on top of other catastrophes, hardens a heart. It beats, and I love people, but being 'in love'? No. Never again.

 Some of us learn our lessons the hard way. And some brave souls, refuse to give up. But they lose at the game. Because that's all it is. A game. And if you don't learn how to play, This can be you. Is this who you want to be? Not me!

So all in all, I've learned the game. It's taken me 40 years, but now I'm on the board and I understand the rules. First rule, don't lose yourself in another person. Second rule, don't ever change to be more what that person wants. Third rule, don't expect too much. Fourth rule, guard your heart, because only the most worthy of opponents should ever get to touch it. And you may never find them. Fifth rule, accept rule number four. Stop throwing your emotions around for others to destroy and own. And final rule, don't go looking for perfection or fairytales. They don't exist. And honestly, fairytales? Way overrated. I'd rather be alone than have some dude want me because I was pretty for a night, and lost my fucking shoe running away from him, like Cinderella. 

Prince Charming didn't even know her. He just knew, "Wow, hot chick, nice dress, fancy glass shoe..." And that's his basis for true love? Give me a break. 

Need I say more? This is realistic. The rest is just garbage. And I realize that pretty much all my friends I know are happily married, and all that jazz. But be thankful. Because this is the life that awaits you if it ever goes south. And if you don't learn fast, you will lose. Me? I'll always come out on top. I've been broken before, but now, I don't even know if I have a heart anymore to break. But that, my friends, is how you stay safe and smart. A person can't break what doesn't exist. That's what I've learned. And for your sake, pray you never become me.