Today wasn't a bad day. And since I skipped yesterdays post, I figured I'd try and catch up and make sure I wrote something here today. I don't know how interesting or funny it will be, but oh well. Its still my life. Maybe committing myself to write 'funny' is too ambitious? Because I'm not Jerry Seinfeld, even if I wish was because he's freaking rich. I would consider this my blog about nothing though and hope that it's funny a lot of the time. But let's face it, some of the Seinfeld episodes tanked a little too so no one's perfect right?
Today at work, we were semi busy. Not too bad. But I'm an oral surgery assistant so this consists of dealing with people and blood and teeth and anesthesia and birds...well, the birds aren't really part of the actual job, but lets just say I have to deal with them a lot anyway. I'll explain eventually. But I was in my first surgery and the room is nothing but big picture windows, so its sort of like cutting peoples mouths open in the middle of a beautiful forest. Occasionally deer wander past and start fighting with each other and locking antlers together, and turkeys gobble and poop on the sidewalk, and coyotes nap under the trees, while hawks glide by and mutilate mice and squirrels eat pieces of turkey poop while showing off their gigantic balls...you know, its really peaceful and shit. And I work in the middle of this.
But it's not without its tragic moments. Like today for instance I was already kind of on edge simply because this is my natural state of being. I'm a tense ball of stress. And our patient was all trussed up in a sterile drape with nothing but their mouth and nose showing. It's kind of freaky sight if you're not used to it. But we thought she was asleep. She should have been asleep. And all of a sudden she just sits bolt upright and I only saw it out of the corner of my eye, and for some reason this scared this shit out of me. I gasped and was like "ahh!" and my boss looks at me like I'm a fucking weirdo and I go, "I'm sorry but that scared me." Don't ask me what I thought was happening but my mind suddenly had these images of a zombie attack and this unconscious chick had just risen from the dead and was gonna eat my brains. I realize this isn't a very logical leap in thinking, but bear with me, because I tend to be off in my own world where this would actually make sense.
I recovered from that terror and I was back in the zone to do my job. I'm usually on total auto pilot and not actually present in the situation. I was thinking about a dream I had, and thinking about a problem I have, and thinking about how I suddenly felt like the room was too hot, and I began noticing that my neck hurt and my jaw was sore from clenching it too tightly in my tense stressful life. Basically I was anywhere except in the actual moment of what I was doing. But no one ever can tell because the truth is, I'm a badass assistant who anticipates my doctors every move and I know he loves me best because he's told people that he does. If only he knew that my mind was complete disengaged from the procedures and I perform every operation in a trance like state. Sometimes I wonder how I do it?
But anyhow, I was off in la la land in my head and really not of this world at the moment. And then all of a sudden there was this loud horrible crashing sound that jolted me out of my trance. I jumped and was like "ahh! wtf?" and of course all eyes were on me for reacting like a solider on a battlefield who just stepped on landmine. But then all eyes turned towards the window where we saw a poor helpless lame bird twitching on the ground. The stupid thing had flown right into the damn window and knocked itself silly. And this is not the first time that's happened. Far from it. It's a common occurrence. In fact, one day I heard a horrible sound that sounded like a gunshot and I when I went to investigate I found a bird twitching on the ground in the throes of death. A minute later he was gone. And who's job is it to clean up dead birds? That would be me, unfortunately.
But my mind always flashes back to that movie Final Destination. Have you seen it? Its the one about how these people cheat death, yet death comes after them to right the wrong, and they all die in the most ridiculous and convulted ways? There was a scene where this kid was at the dentist and the room was nothing but windows, much like my work, and suddenly there are all these birds of death crashing into the windows. It was fucking freaky to see on screen, and even worse to live it! And I even had a couple patients comment to me, "I feel like I'm in the movie Final Destination and its freaking me out." So its not just me who sees the eerie similarities!
Luckily this stupid bird didn't die. He was just stunned and eventually flew away. He got lucky. But my nerves were shot. I wish I wasn't such a tense person all the time. My startle response is ridiculously high. People find it hilarious though to scare the shit out of me. And it doesn't take much. Just walk into a room when I don't realize you're there and I will scream bloody murder and act like Freddy Kruger just walked into the room. My husband has done this to me so many times I can't even count. All it takes is for me to think I'm alone and be engrossed in a project like dishes or vacuuming and I don't hear him walk in, and if I see him or he says something to me, I freak out and scream.
To me, it doesn't feel funny, it just feels terrifying. Yet I can understand his side of the equation. It is rather humorous to simply walk in a room and have someone act like you walked in with a machete and machine gun and told them to kiss their ass goodbye. I had this friend once, a long time ago, and she had the same sort of startle response I did. And I remember she was staying the night with me and I thought it'd be funny to hide behind the bedroom door when she came back from the bathroom. And all I did was stand there and not say a word and I looked at her, and she wasn't expecting me to be there so she freaked out and screamed and said she almost peed herself....lol
But anyways, that was pretty much the extent of interest in my day. I told you it wasn't much. But at least it was something right? Let's hope tomorrow holds some gems of hope on the humor front...I need a truly great day. It's been years and years since that's happened... Come on universe, throw me a bone!
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