Who am I? I'm the girl who always gave up everything for someone else. I denied all my desires and wants and happiness just so everyone else was happy. But I feel like my heart closed up shop and is no longer beating inside my chest. It's turned to stone. And I'm not sure whether the new me is a wonderfully strong person, or a horribly bitter and scarred person. I'm not sure I know the difference. I just know that the old me would feel lonely on a night like this. But the new me is content to simply exist in her own space, doing her own thing.
Why would I ever trust another human being to bring me happiness? Life has proven time and again, that this is a mistake. A misguided notion. For true happiness has to come within, and not from an outside source. If you stake your happiness on another person, you will be let down. In the end, we're all alone in this ride called life. We may have partners and friends and lovers, but in the end, this life belongs to only us. We must learn to live in our own space, completely separate from anyone else, and be okay with that. Because friends fade, lovers leave, and ultimately you're left by yourself. And you better make sure you like the company, because it's one person you can't get rid of.
Maybe no one else gets you? Maybe no one else finds you appealing? Maybe you're just too weird for anyone to understand? Whatever it may be, you better love that person you are and not base your life on what other people think of that person. Because in the end, we are alone. We have to look back on our existence and think, "Did I do okay? Was I happy? Did I live my life well?" And it doesn't have anything to do with another person. Life is a journey we choose to share with others, yet, you don't HAVE to share it. Be careful and mindful of who you let in. And don't settle for second best. Or runner up. Or good enough. Only accept what helps you along the journey and brings you happiness and peace. Don't make excuses for people. Don't let others bring you down.
People on a whole, fascinate me. I love watching them, reading them, drinking in their lives. I am a silent watcher, not often participating, but always seeing. I've seen people who I believe are soul mates. I envy them. I see people lying to themselves and saying they're happy when they're not. They think I don't know, but I do. But I leave them to their fantasy. It's not my place to ruin it. But I see so much more than anyone realizes. And I am incredibly intuitive and smart and I know what's what. I know when I'm being lied to, though I sometimes won't let on. And I know when someone is in pain, but I don't always reach out, because they don't want me to. So I sit and observe. And I sometimes shake my head in confusion, or laugh, or simply wonder if the world realizes how transparent they really are.
Me? I'm pretty easy to get. If you pay attention. But I know most people don't pay attention like I do. I could drop anvils on people's heads, and they'd still not see the real me. But that's okay. Maybe they're not meant to see that person? I fully realize that no one ever reads this blog. I post it, and no one reads it. I could announce I'm a hermaphrodite and no one would even know, because they don't care enough to read my thoughts. But that's okay. I write this for me mostly. It's therapeutic. But yes, I'm a different person than I used to be. Much different. And I'm not sure yet how much I admire this new me. She's either really bad ass or she's really sad. I'm not sure which. That's something I need to figure out.
I know some people think I'm fragile. Some people thought I'd break. But they don't know the monster that was unleashed. But I think eventually people will know. And they'll either run screaming, or give me a high five. Who knows? That's the adventure of life. The surprises. You reveal yourself and then look at who's still standing by your side. That's how you know who the true friends are. And I'm awaiting that day.
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