Dead Letter Office

Just a tiny bit of Harry Potter fan fiction I wrote. I was feeling blue, and this just came to me. It's quite sad, but it fits my mood. 

Summary: Just a very short drabble that I had in my head that needed to get out. Severus Snape is all alone in the world, and to keep himself company, he writes letters to Lily, even though she’ll never see them. This is one of those letters.

Dear Lily,

I sit alone in my room tonight, thinking of you. There are days and moments when your memory doesn't haunt me, but then the thoughts creep back in. Mostly when I see that son of yours. He’ll never know that I actually care for him because he belonged to you. I just can’t get past how much he looks like that dreadful husband of yours. But there are moments when he stares up at me with your eyes, and I suddenly get choked up and can no longer even remember what it was I talking about seconds before. And often times it just makes me angry, that one look from those eyes, is enough to render me mute and utterly devastated inside. Because I remember when we were kids, and those same eyes would shine when we were together. Those eyes smiled at me, and in those moments, I meant something to someone. You don’t know how I cherished those childhood days spent with you. 

You had my heart the instant I first saw you, and I knew you were like me. But then it all fell to pieces as we got older. Where did it all go so wrong? I realize I made mistakes, but so did that boy you fell in love with. He was far from perfect. And often, he was downright cruel. Yet you forgave him, and could never forgive me. I chose a path that a lot of foolish boys chose at the time. I wanted to be respected. That’s the only reason why I joined them. But it made me lose you. Or perhaps, I’d already lost you long before that. But I never could forget that little red haired girl with the fierce green eyes. Lying on the grass, holding hands, and me assuring you of how amazing our lives would be because we were special. It was all real for us. I just had no idea you’d forget about me so quickly as we got older. You’re the only woman I've ever loved, and will ever love. Tonight I am alone, as I always am, with only my letters to you to keep me going. Everyone around me detests me. I’m still not respected, because everyone thinks I’m a horrible person, even though they have no idea who I really am. Or what I’m doing. Or how tirelessly I work to protect your son and everyone around him. No one sees the sacrifices I make. No one knows the pain I carry. Dumbledore asks so much of me, and this last thing he has ordered me to do, I know will cement my place in Hell, if there is such a place. But he cares not what it might do to my soul, because perhaps he thinks I have none? Just like everyone else assumes. I’m bitter, I’m hardened, I’m unpleasant, and I do not have a single person in the world who cares if I live or die.

You were the only one who ever cared about that, but you gave up on me. But I never gave up on you. I knew you’d never be mine, yet I risked everything I had to try and keep you and your family safe. I wish you knew that. I wish you knew that I put my hurt feelings aside, and thought only of you and your life. I did everything I could to protect you, but the failure wasn't mine, it was your husbands, for believing he could trust your secret with that despicable man. A traitor of the worst kind. For years, I believed the traitor was someone else, but when I knew the truth, it took all I had not to murder him with my bare hands. Instead, I am being forced to pretend I am on his side. And that I don’t dream of his gruesome death every second he enters a room. It’s his fault all my attempts at saving you were thwarted. It’s his fault, you are no longer on this earth where you belong. It should have been you raising your son and not your horrid sister. Do you even know how awful she treated your flesh and blood? I admit, I've not been kind to him either, but I have my reasons. Some of them are bitterness, and some of the reasons are I cannot treat him the way I might wish to, because then my secret would be exposed. I have to hate your son, because it protects him for me to do so. Wherever you are, I hope you understand that. It’s not entirely my choice to treat him unfairly. I’m simply an actor, playing a part. Nothing more, nothing less. And perhaps one day, maybe before I die, I’ll tell him the truth.

I’ll tell him how I loved you, and how I tried to save your life. And his. Over and over, I've tried to save him for you. But in the end, as with you, he will have to stand alone. I only hope he possesses your courage and that he will stand up to the challenge. Part of me wants to be by his side, to show him my true mission, but I know I can’t. Nor would he want me there. But since he belongs to you, I would die to help him. And I fear that this is my fate, no matter how I try to deny it. Yet I’m ready. I've lived long enough without you. I only hope that I may join you, where you dwell now, and that my actions don’t send me elsewhere. I’m only doing what I've been told to do. I don’t want to do it anymore, but no one cares. All I really am is a puppet on a string. I do whatever is asked of me, and I have only myself to blame because I said if Dumbledore found a way to protect you all, I would do anything. So I made this bed, and now I lie in it every night alone. Cold, empty, tired, yet hardly sleeping. I know that if the moment of my death arrives, there’s a strong possibility I will die a villain and no one will know how fiercely loyal I was to your memory. Or how, even though you were gone, you made me want to be a better person. 

But it’s hard when you have no one. I miss our talks. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your friendship. You were the only person in the world who didn't see me as unworthy of love. With you, I was alive. And since you've been gone, a part of me has been dead all these years with you. I wonder if I do end up where you are, will you forgive me then? Will you welcome me? Or will I be shunned? If I am shunned, then I’ll know Hell does exist and that I am there. But for tonight, I will try and sleep and dream of a world where you still live in it. And I will dream of all the things I wanted to tell you, but never did. Or never could. And I’ll dream that you will forgive my trespasses and see into the real me once again. Because you’re the only person who ever really knew me. I will love you as long as my heart beats, and well after it stops. Always….

Severus