I often post incredibly nerdy stuff about Harry Potter or Buffy or X-Files or Friends, and yes, Fifty Shades of Grey. The latter is not nerdy, really. But I post about what the hell the big deal is with that story? The responses I get from my Whispers are at times, very sweet or nice, but 95% of the time, they are simply ridiculous. And I should say upfront that this App is geared towards a younger set than me, but there are fossils around my age who haunt it as well. It's not just me!
Tonight I posted several stupid Whispers. And even though it's anonymous, I'm giving you the rare treat of sharing them here. One of them I posted a picture of Faith from Buffy and said, "I'm five by five, yo." Which was her catchphrase. Only Buffy dorks understand this. And I got messaged with a question, "can I see it?" And I was like, "Huh? See what?" And they answered, "your cock." LMAO! WTF? My cock? I was tempted to show them a picture of a very small and fat rooster, but I did not. I had to inform them that 'five by five' is a term meaning 'everything's cool' and the picture was of Faith, a GIRL, so why do you think I have a five by five cock? And also, is that a good thing to have?? Sounds a bit freakish to me. Five by five?? Short and frighteningly round. Weirdo number one!
Then I posted a picture of Faith and Buffy and used the quote, "At least we're hot chicks with superpowers!" And I got multiple requests for me and my girlfriends pictures, along with what superpowers we actually possessed. When I said we were the girls in the photo and were vampire slayers, a few people were still like, "Oh awesome. You guys are hot." Hello? Have you never seen a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar or Eliza Dushku in your lives? Were you born under a rock? And you honestly think vampire slayers are real? I live in a dream world, but I do understand the difference between reality and fiction.
Next post, I asked, "Why do people think Fifty Shades of Grey is so hot? If some dude tried to whip the crap out of me, I'd put his balls in a vice. WTF ladies? You like this shit?" And of course, I got several messages from men wanting to explain how wonderful this lifestyle was. But one stood out.I basically told him he'd better not ever try to dominate me or he'd have my foot up his ass. Apparently this amused him. And he called me 'sassy'. Then I told him I was really just a dork, and admitted my other secret Whisper was, "Does anyone want to talk about Harry Potter with me? I'm bored and also lame." (Which got no responses, btw.) But when I told Mr. Fifty Shades this Whisper, he proceeded to be all smooth and shit and tell me he knew all about Harry Potter. We're both Slytherins (bonus points) but then I asked, "What character would you pretend to be if you were with me?" And he says....wait for it... he seduces me with this line... "I am Lord Voldemort." Hello? Eww! Could you pick a less sexy or appealing character? Voldemort?? He has no hair and no nose and also, irredeemably evil!
I was like, "Whoa freakazoid. Voldemort? Do you mean the young cute one, or the gross creepy one?" And he suddenly he was 'tired' and had to go. Fail! My God, at least pick an attractive character! But just so we're clear, I'm not trolling for romance here. Far from it. My interest in these characters is pure fantasy and that's it. I was just looking to play. To have fun. And fun was had. Honestly. But wow, people are fucking insane. I mean really! I troll this App for the the shear craziness that ensues. I know I won't find a meaningful person there. Though, I did manage to make a very sweet and fun girlfriend there, and we text all the time about our ridiculous lives. But barring her, everyone else is a crazy person.
Me and my new friend often trade war stories, and I really cracked her up tonight with my Lord Voldemort guy. She said she couldn't breathe anymore from laughing so hard. Especially because these people think this bullshit actually works. Which makes me wonder, does it? Like, omg, are there really ridiculous people out there who fall for this stuff and actually follow through? One can only hope not.
I'm also the queen of sarcastic Whisper comments. Like one person said, "When you look in the mirror, what do you see?" And I responded, "Nothing. I'm a vampire." And I was met with, "Really? That's so cool!"Are these people 11? Another said, "For a moment I thought I floated out of my body and saw myself from above, but it turns out I was just really high." And my response was, "I thought I had mono for an entire year once, but it turns out, I was just really bored." Props to the person who replied with a picture of Wayne from Wayne's World, proving not everyone is brain dead on there.
But trust me, for people like me who literally have no social lives, Whisper is the place to entertain yourself. Don't take it seriously, because you literally cannot. But if you wanna fuck with people or just be a sarcastic ass, please download this. You won't be disappointed. I know aside from the one real friend I made, I'm not making any lasting contacts, but it's fucking funny. One guy even told me he was from outer space. Like legit. He was a fucking alien. And did I give him shit? Hell no. I was like, "Do tell me the story..." Cause, why not? How many of you have met a bonafide alien? Probably not many of you. So please do be jealous of me. My internet life is rich and varied and full of freak shows. Sometimes I walk down the street and wonder, "Have I talked to that person on Whisper?" Because you never fucking know. This is where the freaks come out, and not only at night. But all day long. Just don't ever lose your sass or sense of humor. Otherwise you might be devoured. But me? Nothing can touch me. I'm the internet troll queen. And you know what? It beats real life hands down. No guilt, No shame. Just fun.
And here endeth the lesson....Go forth and whisper my friends....
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